I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
