She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
