Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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