Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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