I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
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