remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
