yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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