A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
COCAINE IS GR8
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
