Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
