Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
