just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
