Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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