Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
