we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
