i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
