i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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