woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
