Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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