Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
