My friends, they love my intelligence
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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