i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
this boner is exhausting
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
