FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
