I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
sarcasm needs its own font
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
