??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The convent might be a nice break from real life
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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