dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
