i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
