he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
