I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
