At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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