dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
