I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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