Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
