He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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