I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
