I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize