Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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