it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
