I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
