I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
