i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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