I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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