please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize