you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
