drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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