what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
