Don't make out with my wife yet
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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