Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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