There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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