she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
