if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
