She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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