thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
