After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I am available for nakedness
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
