The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
