Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I still have a little drunk in my system
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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