Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
