just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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