I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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