its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize