I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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