At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
