"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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