dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
