filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
