I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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