Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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