you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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