Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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