youre lurking in front of me
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
dude. I can hear the air.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize