I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
