You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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