I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
