The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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